Greetings,
Are you ready to be really blown away? Watching this experiment might do it.
I wish I could watch you watch this clip. I trust this is worth your time because it's crucial to know how capable your mind is of fooling you. It's not even subtly fooling us, but outrageously making us hear what isn't real. It's called the McGurck effect. Watch this 3-minute video and then come back if you would...or feel free to read on and look later, but it's better to watch it now. :) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G-lN8vWm3m0&feature=player_embedded
This reality bender works every time even though you know you're being fooled. The helplessness you feel is almost embarrassing and certainly humbling. The first thing I thought was, "How often do I get things wrong?" I saw how beautifully this supports the idea of distrusting our thoughts and feelings. No wonder we misunderstand each other all the time. This also explains why it's so difficult to change our feelings even when we realize they don't make sense.
If you're afraid of spiders, no matter how harmless one might be it's unlikely you're going to feel calm about it when it's in your house. You could trying feeling comfortable in spite of your fear, as a practice, but that's a lot to ask of yourself.
As a public speaker, I rarely felt confident and secure even after hundreds of seminars. I had to act like I did, and that was my practice because I "knew" I was capable. Sometimes you have to grab onto your wisdom and let go of all feelings including the occasional panic.
It's difficult to push past feelings, but it gets easier, and when you see how many of your reactions are misleading you, you want to find every misinterpretation possible because you see how much trouble they've caused you.
We're totally capable of taking things the wrong way, so we need to consistently respond to our thoughts and feelings with healthy suspicion. Here's a simple example:
If someone shows up at your door with flowers, you might have a program that goes off and says, "this means he/she loves me", and you will feel very nice. Or you might have an automatic program that says, "This means that they're out to get something from me", and you'll feel suspicious and nervous.
So which reaction makes sense? The one that reflects the truth, but was your initial reaction incorrect? It's always possible we aren't "feeling" the truth. Your feelings might be based in your last experience with someone else and may have nothing to do with this person giving you the flowers. One bad experience can unconsciously create many more because of the memory filter it creates that we see through.
Try to pay attention to what happens in the moment as you react with thoughts and feelings. Decide what really makes sense. Challenge your initial feelings and make sure you're seeing and feeling the truth. Then respond to what you learn.
If you feel loved with the flowers, but realize you have provable reason to distrust this person, remain cautious. If you feel suspicious, and it makes no sense given your history with them, choose trust and enjoy the love.
Of course, if you feel suspicious and they really deserve it, that's fine. And if you feel loved, and they really do love you, that's good too. The problem is when they really love you but you believe your suspicious feelings, or they really want something from you and your good feelings keep you blind. These are the kind of misunderstandings we can avoid.
This sounds so simple but we don't do it because we over-trust our feelings. We're taught to trust them and it's not the best advice. We need to second-guess ourselves, especially when we negatively react to another person. This habit of doubting all of our negativity is what we want to lay down to change our future.
And what you might find, is most people mean no harm and don't want to make us feel bad. Even if they're incompetent, annoying, inconsiderate, or clueless, it's likely not about you and they just aren't seeing beyond their own struggle... Even so...
I know how HARD it is to let our anger and frustration go. It's not easy even though the concepts are simple. I've been battling my critical mind for a couple of days now over a situation where my complaining mind feels victimized and wants to retaliate. But I know better, and letting go and restraining my words are the wise choice.
Restraint is difficult but letting go of this will pay off. I know deeply that "I will not be letting go of anything that I will regret losing later." I've decided to surrender, and I know if I wait, the feelings that want me to attack will go away.
I also have to realize that I'm not going to feel good about this! This is very important. Every time we restrain ourselves and move past our ego we have to be prepared to feel like we've lost, but the fact is we have just gained back our freedom to choose compassion and peace.
The other catch, is that just because you know what the appropriate feeling is to have, like trust or safety in a secure situation, you can't just make yourself feel the way you want on command. The mind won't let you feel what you know is true once again, but in this case it will let you feel safe over time.
I use to rock climb, and even though I knew the ropes would hold a pickup, I still felt terrified dangling 500 feet in the air, no matter what I told myself.
So when it makes sense to let go of your suspicion, you still might feel distrusting. The trust is a decision and you may or may not feel it, but that's OK. Just because you don't feel it, doesn't mean it's the wrong decision. The feelings take time to catch up.
When you forgive someone, the anger may not go away immediately but that doesn't mean you haven't forgiven them. Your wisdom's choice has to be integrated, and again it takes time to feel the compassion.
However this applies, The McGurck effect gives us reason to consciously evaluate why we feel and think what we do. Make conscious hesitation a habit and a style of being. Use your breath to create a gap between feeling and reacting or responding. Find your center when life's moments make you uncomfortable and challenge the way you're thinking. This approach is how we're going to move from being controlled by our negative programming; to living and loving the way we know we can.
Best wishes and feel free to ask a questions at mailto:bryan@bryanzerr.com
Peace to you,
Bryan
bryanzerr copyright 2011
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