Well at least I was stuck by a thorn last week and not by my complaining mind. It would've been so much worse! The event was a gift, because it was yet another perfect teacher and opportunity to practice emotional composure, (equanimity), and working with my mind. I was actually excited about the challenge and took it on consciously.
I was doing great with it until I found myself talking to other people and having to explain myself. I didn't mind sharing the main event but everyone wanted the details. What works for me would be a quick moment of deep compassion, concern and empathy, then maybe some laughter and let's move on... but that wasn't what was happening.
If you want to see how someone's complaining mind works, give them something to complain about. Better yet make it "your" issue and see how their shadow will take it and run. I'm learning to be very careful about expressing what's going on in my life because other people suffer over it more than I do. I don't want them to experience it as if it happened to them, which is what happens as they imagine it, and I personally don't want to get sucked into the drama. What it really feels like is I don't want to get bludgeoned by my own fear.
When other people get upset like we could have, we relate. We evoke fear in each other as we express our own and this pattern keeps us stuck. We do this to each other unconsciously all the time, and if we're aware of it we can change it.
I've also learned not to try and talk people out of "your" suffering. Trying to convince them your peaceful in an uncomfortable time is often too big of a conversation for the moment. I find it best to just agree it's tough, say something reassuring, and then try to change the subject. If that works, great: but normally it doesn't. I like to count how many times someone will try to take me back to my suffering and not let me change the subject.
A helpful remedy at this point is to ask how they're doing personally? How are they handling the situation? What can you do for them? This brings both of you back to moment and into support, instead of focusing on the circumstances. I think deep inside people want to be seen with your presence rather than have their stories heard.
Just a note: I find it fascinating, that this is the same strategy I would suggest using with yourself when your own tragedy arises. Don't fuel your "own" stories and offer yourself comfort and compassion instead.
Last week was a great opportunity for me to practice all of this:
I knew the chance of an infection was high, but I wasn't going into fearful or complaining places about it. I wasn't "waiting" in fear. I was staying present and curious. The words of Ekhardt Tolle reminded me, "There's no such thing as waiting if you're in the present moment." All was going really well until my friend called, or shall I say her complaining mind called. LOL.
She started with "How's your foot?" and within seconds she was telling me I might lose it! Then she feverishly launched into this story about her friend who stepped on a nail, and if he had been to the doctor an hour later, blah, blah, blah...
I felt like I was drowning and I finally just I screamed out, "STOP!" There was a moment of silence then I said, "Can you please just take me to a happy place?" We both rolled in laughter as she once again saw her silly complaining minds pattern.
I invite you to challenge yourself to watch how you lead conversations, and watch others as well. If you notice either of you are going down that old fearful road, practice bringing everyone back to a more peaceful and positive attitude. Focus on positive possibilities. "Take us to a happy place."
Peace to you,
Bryan
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Bryanzerr copyright 2011
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