Every situation is your teacher. Every new event is an opportunity to take back your power. To free yourself from your unconscious, complaining, criticizing and condemning habits, and empower your conscious, grateful, compassionate and forgiving will and wisdom.
I was recently asked, "What if the complaint is expressing an unmet need or want that I feel could be met? Isn't that valid?"
Let me remind you of this quote: "If a complaint is shared with kindness and respect, it really isn't a complaint."
To turn a complaint into a request is simple but not always easy. Express your need with kindness, and you are skillfully sharing your want or need as a reasonable desire and a conscious request. A kind effort to be more comfortable and happy.
As long as the unmet need is expressed in a considerate way, at a considerate time, with kindness, respect, curiosity without preconceived notions and assumptions, you're pretty sure the need is reasonable, you know why you want it and what it will bring you, you are willing to accept their response without criticizing them, and you can re-evaluate your position afterward and make your next choice kindly, your good!
These suggestions point out our goals, and reflect a lot of learning and practice. With every attempt to end complaining, we will be called to grow tremendously. This is a life long challenge but a worthy one. Taking this on as our goal can lead us to complete and total transformation; from being crippled by unconscious negativity to acting and living consciously from our observing heart and wisdom.
When you make a request, make sure you know exactly what you want and express it clearly. Let them know what the change is going to look like in detail, and how you want them to meet your needs specifically. What do you want that will satisfy you?
Be careful not to expect another person to completely understand you. If they did already, you probably wouldn't have to be asking them to meet a need in the first place. Needs are specific to our personalities and what they mean is different to each of us. Leaving dishes in the sink can mean laziness to one person, and just taking a break to another.
It's very important to not let your critical mind step in and judge their reality. What they need or don't need is not wrong just because it is different than your need. You can question them kindly, but avoid criticizing them for having a different perspective or preference other than yours.
It is also important that you hold a boundary and ask for respect as well. What you want deserves to be listened to and consciously entertained, and you also deserve to not not be negatively judged for having your desires.
We also need to consider that sometimes our needs are better met by letting them go. If you really love someone, you want him or her to be happy. This is a simple truth. And sometimes your desire for their happiness and comfort is more important than what you thought you needed, as long as you aren't sacrificing something essential to your well being. You let it go, in the spirit of fairness and compromise, or visa verse as a gift to both of you.
Also try to give the situation the benefit of the doubt. Trust there will be a kind and respectful outcome. Expect it and attempt it, and this intention and attitude will empower your skill and heart, and create the best potential.
And finally: Keep this in mind as you ask for your needs to be met or face any life situation.
There are 3 wise choices in every situation:
Change, accept, or leave.
Changing means: Taking some action, expressing yourself with kindness and respect, or finding out more information to clarify what feelings reflect the truth so you can wisely respond.
Accepting means: Letting go of any resistance or negative story that is generated when you get a response to your attempt to change things.
Leaving means: Walking away or disengaging yourself kindly, after you've tried to change things and the result isn't in-line with your true values, it doesn't support you or it make sense to accept it.
The 4th choice is to just complain, criticize, try to blame someone for the situation, dramatize your discomfort, and make yourself and everyone else suffer. We have taken an oath to let go of this option.
Our friend also asked, "What about healing the vulnerable parts of ourselves, so after we stop complaining we learn to comfort and soothe ourselves?" This is another great question I will address soon.
Thank you and please keep noticing, listening, learning and accepting. Take time to rest, meditate, breathe, reflect, observe, hesitate, get space around your thoughts and feelings, laugh, forgive and cultivate gratitude and appreciation.
Peace to you,
Bryan
bryanzerr copyright 2011
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