The 44th. How to tactfully shift a complaining conversation.

reetings,
Well, this might not be the "single" most effective way to stop someone from complaining, but it's a very loving effective strategy with a big gift attached to it. You not only change the course of the conversation, you get to inspire someone's heart and create an opportunity for deep connecting.

Imagine while chatting with a friend you wake up and realize your conversation has turned into what I endearingly call a complaint fest. Your friend is stuck in resistance, lost in story about how bad everything is and really into sharing it with you.

You want to change this for yourself, but you also know how bad it feels to be distressed and "believing it", so you want to bring relief.

Here's the solution: "Care but don't feed the drama."

The trick is don't ask questions and don't ask for details. To keep asking them for more information seems caring, but it just gives them more opportunity to stay stuck. The idea is to not encourage more negative opinion, and instead bring to them what they are really wanting which is comfort, care and connection.
It's really amazingly effective and simple, but of course the trick is to remember it. The biggest obstacle to our growth is remembering what we already know at the right time in the right moment. This is why meditation and increasing your levels of observing awareness are important. If you can keep your mind "full" of the practices and intentions you have, you will change. But you have to be mindful enough to "catch" the moments to be able to apply what you've learned.

So instead of asking Pat to describe the accident, simply wish him or her peace and healing. We are trained by our media to want the details, but it doesn't serve us and it doesn't help them. Most of them would be fearful assumptions and opinions.

When someone is complaining because their house hasn't sold, tell them you're sorry it's a difficult time and remind them it's possible.
When someone is complaining about a bad relationship, acknowledge how hard it must be for him or her and wish them peace.
If someone is complaining about someone else, empathize and then wish them patience and freedom. When you feel you've been sufficiently compassionate, change the subject.

"Listen, empathize, don't ask for details, offer a positive twist, and take their attention elsewhere."

This is a beautiful strategy and it works like magic. You are inviting them into a place of acceptance; with loving support; and encouraging them to move forward in just a quick couple sentences. And as always, you might need to "repeat as necessary."
So our practice is to be on the constant alert for the complaining mind but not just within ourselves. Every conversation is "your" teacher, and an opportunity to for your own growth, but also a chance to teach and offer some relief and wisdom to the people who are lucky enough to come in contact with someone as committed to living and loving consciously as you are.
With gratitude and wishing you peace,
Bryan

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