Hello again! Today's inspiration is my first blog entry as well. I wanted to give you a taste of what the blog is going to be like. It's very playful and sincere. After 27 years of crazy with HIV and going through my mom's recent stroke, I feel a bit adventurous in bit of an abandoned way. I think it's a good thing. :) I hope you enjoy it and find it meaningful.


Well good morning!

Here I am. Uncensored and ready! Well...hmmmmm uncensored? That might take a little warming up to, but most things do. I've got to battle those committee members of mine (there not real people)... The loudest one is just squirming at the idea of letting people in on the inside, but there are some other members of the group that are cheering! I want to be a pioneer. I want to shake things up and get everybody inspired to wake up and and realize that we are all in the same situation and we can change it together! I think the only people who aren't challenged by their inner voice, are the people who took an active conscious role at helping themselves handle it.

I am so excited I have to stop myself to go to sleep. I've never felt so moved to do anything. I feel like an advocate of an intention that almost has it's own force. I feel like I have spent my life preparing to be a responsible caretaker of this authentic wisdom, and to my delight I believe it has shown up.

About 4 years ago I just had this insight. That if I could harness myself in and really become mindful of every complaint I say to myself in my mind, I would be making a huge step. Energetically in my growth, I feel like my overall experience is very heart-centered, but then there was this voice that just says the weirdest junk still. I mean THIS wasn't a new insight. I have been living with this crazy bad roommate ever since I can remember.

And my experience here, is showing me that everyone else has this going on too! At least that is what I seem to be encountering as I talk about this. I have not met one person who can say they DON'T have an inner voice that makes them crazy every once in a while, if not all the time. And it breaks my heart time and time again, that people don't get to love their magnificence because their self-view is all screwed up.

The big insight I had though, was that even though my heart had changed, my inner words had not. I stopped BELIEVING the voice a long time ago. I stopped respecting most of what it has to say, a long time ago. I mean I really developed a sense of humor about it. When you really get this stuff, and you really get that this crazy person in your head isn't you, it becomes the most absurd out of control "thing you have ever met! And it can even become pretty entertaining. In fact we all know being bitchy can be entertaining and we all like to work it once in a while. Of course it's fine when you know you are bitching for fun and really love and respect all beings regardless of how whacked some part of them may be. This includes myself of course. LOL

I get together with my best, best friend and we have bitch fests. (excuse the expression). We get all loose and crazy and just let our very well developed clever and cynical selves just rip away. It's some of the best laughs we have ever had! Of course we roast each other too. Then we settle down and pull back in. Its like we took our ego's out for a walk and let them play. It's like our reward for being so good the rest of the time. When you are grounded in your authentic wisdom, self and heart, you can play with your own craziness because it's not threatening any more.

My ego and I have learned to get along just fine. It knows "I" am in control. It knows it can't get away with ANY negative bull any more. It knows that no matter how bad it makes me feel, I'm not going to crumble! It knows no matter how angry it makes me, I'm not going to attack someone. It knows that no matter how fearful I am, I am still going to love, and it knows that no matter how much shame or guilt it makes me feel, I'm not going to believe it and punish myself in any way shape or form. I know I deserve my own empathy and compassion. What a gift!

In fact when I screw up, I almost dare someone to try and make me feel bad for it. It often confuses people because they think that if I'm not suffering and punishing myself I don't care, but that's their stuff not mine! Of course I care when I screw up. Intensely! But there is no purpose in suffering over it. You also don't need to suffer over your mistakes and beat yourself up to let people know you're sorry, and you don't need to make yourself feel bad to get yourself to take action either !

I will explain all this more and you will here it many times, but we don't need to emotionally manipulate ourselves into change. That's old, tired and boring. We can just do it with our wisdom and will instead, with our new freedom.

You eventually get to the point, where you are so bored with your emotions because you are so grounded in a peace, stability, and happiness that is so much better than just a feeling. And it's always there regardless of whatever crazy emotions you got going on. When this starts happening, you know you are making significant progress. And it doesn't take that long.

And the cool thing is that when you do have an emotion you like, and it feels really good, you get to really wallow in it and experience it in a delicious way you never could before. Since it's a choice instead of a just what's happening, you appreciate what it has to offer in a different way.

Anyway obviously I am loving this blog stuff. To just write free and get to speak. I am excited to show you how these truths affect someone's mind from a very personal perspective. This is what feels really fun to me. I don't know of many teachers, other than Pema Chodron and a small few, who REALLY talk about what goes on inside their heads and hearts. This is my intention and goal of this blog. To be totally transparent and show you the journey, at least from where I am now.

I can't wait to tell you how this movement all started too, but just to throw this in; I am eternally grateful for you who have significantly inspired me and helped me make this happen. Thank you Tim, Colleen, and Morgan! Thank you my most dearest and beloved soul mate and friend Jeff, who has made this all possible in so many ways!!! And Thank you Shinzen Young, who's wisdom broke me open and offered me a new life.

Taking mom out for her 85th Birthday! She made it! Happy Birthday Thelma!
Wishing you a peaceful and enjoyable day,
With love, Bryan