What about our regrets of the past?
Regrets are just one more bad habit of the complaining mind and a big mistake in perception. Re-visiting the past with self-judgment can also be one of those "obsessive loops" the complaining mind can get into. Relentlessly recycling the same futile thinking over and over again and believing the fantasy that things could have or would have turned out for the better. Maybe they would have but maybe they would've been worse.
It's really impossible to know what would have happened if you changed things. You couldn't have changed just one thing and then expect everything else to stay the same. "The whole chain of events" would have been affected by another choice and the timing of everything would have unfolded differently.
If you weren't reading this, you might be on the phone with a friend or doing something else that would impact everything and everyone you come in contact with. The trickle down effect of our actions is enormous and unknowable, and each piece of the puzzle is dependent on the other. This moment only exists the way it does because of everything that happened, even what we saw as mistakes. So in respect for everything and everyone in your life now let's allow and let go of the past. We can't see the bigger picture yet so let's just "trust the mystery".
What seems like an untimely delay might save your life or allow you to meet an important person. It might also change the timing of the day for him or her and win them the lottery. A car accident you are in may bring a police officer safely to you, that otherwise would have been shot answering a call to a robbery. That bankruptcy might lead you to that beautiful loan officer you spend the rest of your life with. A whole universe is unfolding so we have to at least toy with the possibility that you are exactly where you should be and the past unfolded as it needed to. There is nothing you can do about it anyway except to let it go or choose to suffer over it.
We deserve our own compassion and empathy just like everyone else does, and even if there is something you don't want to repeat, it still had some meaning in ways we will never see.
Regret is also based on the delusion that you think you could have been different. If you could have been you would have been, right? It's not a matter of your intention, but of how capable you were back then. It isn't fair to compare your present level of love, or integrity to the past because you weren't as evolved then and you didn't know what you know now. You did your best based on where you were at the time. It's just simple logic that we "always" have to remember every time we feel guilty, ashamed or regretful. We just have to let those feelings go.
For years I regretted contracting HIV and wished I had made a safer choice. But I couldn't have done that because I didn't know it even existed, and "why I didn't" is just the way it was. I've looked back uncountable times and wondered what my life would be like if I hadn't contracted HIV, and even though it seems my life would have been better without AIDS, I seriously doubt that's true.
More than half my lifetime would have been different in every way! Its unimaginable in the true sense of the word, and I wouldn't have wanted to miss this journey that HIV took me on. It's presence has been responsible for so many good things. You and I most likely wouldn't know each other, and I certainly wouldn't be writing this. I was able let go of wishing it were different ages ago because it has been so undeniably profound and rich.
But people say to me," I try to let go of my guilt but I can't". What they mean is they made "a choice" to let go but the feelings of guilt or regret, but they keep coming back. This doesn't mean you haven't let go, it just means the process takes time.
Letting go is a choice to ignore the feelings and voice of your complaining mind. Once you've learned from the past, you commit to not letting your mind take you there any more. It's a discipline we have to learn and practice. Letting go, forgiveness, compassion, kindness are all mental decisions that will cultivate their partner feelings over time, but it takes courage and patience in the process.
So the moral of this story is: Let it go!
To resist the past is pointless.
To regret it doesn't make sense.
To think you could have been better is wrong.
If you could have been better you would have been.
You can't prove things would have turned out better.
If they had been different you may not even be here now.
Learn from the past and be more skillful in the future.
Have compassion for yourself and learn to deny the regret of the critical mind when it speaks up, and replace it with this understanding.
Please take the time to own this deeply and apply it consciously to your memories. Give yourself the gift of forgiveness and best wishes to you for your own self-acceptance. Remember; acceptance is not approval.
Peace and appreciation to you,
Bryan
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