I've said many times that it's our resistance that creates our suffering, and we're just beginning to address all the ways we push against life. One of our biggest sufferings or "pushes", is when we don't get what we want.
Now don't worry. I'm not going to ask you to give up your desires. In fact our desires lead us to where we need to go even when they aren't met. From a big view they're much more about the direction they take us in, rather than us getting what we think we want.
So without giving them up we can soften them. We can re-frame what we want as our "preferences". We still get to try to make our dreams come true, just without attachment. Attachment is a type of control and unwillingness to go with the flow. It means you won't be happy until you get what you want. And if your complaining mind steps in it might keep everyone else unhappy too.
If we say, "I prefer to have more money", it even feels different. It has a sensible resignation about it that admits, "All we can do is try". It lacks the ground to make anyone or anything wrong for not getting what we want, most importantly ourselves. We get what we get and then we work with it. If we don't achieve a goal or survive cancer for that matter, we can accept it without letting our critical mind punish us. This is literally the difference between being content or miserable. We feel the worst and complain the most, when we feel like we have failed.
An aside: I like to think that when I don't get what I want the universe did me a really big favor. "That relationship I wanted? I bet I missed a lot of grief..." "That trip that's getting canceled? I bet something really special will happen here at home." I know these are just "happy stories", but at least they reflect the truth. Things usually do turn out good enough if not better. My motto is, "If your going to tell yourself a story, you might as well tell yourself one that makes you feel good!"
Turning our desires into preferences is how to get clever, and outwit the complaining minds need for the control it can't have. No wonder we suffer.
It's so less gripping and a lot less demanding. To "prefer" chocolate ice cream means you could be happy with a different flavor. If you prefer to be in a relationship, you can still be happy when you're single. To prefer your house sells at a certain time, at least provokes you to be less upset if it doesn't.
If we want to relax and find peace we need a flexible attitude and a tool to help us. Changing one word can be all it takes to start a shift. Our words either reinforce our old habits or start new ones. Calling your desires preferences is the one-word-kind-of-clever we're after.
This is a very powerful and significant tool. We have to start letting go of being upset and acting surprised when we can't control something. The more we recognize what we aren't capable of controlling, the more capable we will be at influencing what we can. Resistance is futile and crazy making. Let's take this on as a practice.
Dare for the day: Notice how many times you use the word "want" today. "I want coffee now." I want the traffic to stop." Notice even your simple desires and see if you can turn them into preferences. Sometimes something better even happens! If you get tweets, I will remind you.
In fact you can practice now. Pick three things you want, and say to yourself, "I would prefer it if _______ happens." When I say it to myself it feels like a big relief.
Right now I prefer to get a great nights sleep. We will see.;)
Thank you for being on this journey,
Peace to you,
Bryan
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